Raise your hand if you have been personally victimised by Kate Middleton
Genevieve Skinner | On 30, Apr 2014
I don’t know if you know, but the royals were in Australia.
OF COURSE YOU KNOW. Every time I turned on the television, opened a magazine, went online or tried to have a conversation with someone I was bombarded with information about the royal trio. And by “information”, I’m referring to:
“They are so perfect”
“Kate’s hair is so perfect”
“Prince George is so cute”
“Kate was wearing a dress”
“I saw Kate Middleton wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops”
While Kate, Wills and Prince George have been gallivanting around Australia, other news stories have been ignored. As the award winning journalist I am (no need to research precisely which awards I have won), I feel it is my duty to report on the important issues. Here is what happened last week that got overshadowed by Princess Kate’s wardrobe.
1. Miley Cyrus’s dog died and now she’s cursed
Yeah, I bet you’re all feeling really guilty now that you’ve been giving Princess I-Have-Nice-Hair all the attention. According to New Weekly magazine, Cyrus is “teetering on the edge after the death of her beloved pet”. The singer now believes she is cursed as this isn’t the first pet of hers that has died. Bare with me. A source stated, “Her dog Lila was killed over a year ago and she is convinced she’ll lose any dog she loves”. Perhaps if she stops making her entrance on a wrecking ball her pets would have a higher survival rate.
2. Miranda Kerr released her debut song: sounds like a possessed school girl
Don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of ‘Randa, but at the moment she is in a post break-up space that is surrounded by people telling her ‘yes’. In the past month Kerr has sent her image into sexual overdrive with a naked photo shoot and TMI interview with GQ Magazine, followed by dressing as a sexy Easter bunny and sucking on lollies in a video for Love Magazine. Just when you thought, hey Miranda, maybe you should take some time out for you and focus on that modelling career that you’re so good at? Kerr and her posse of yes-men decided that singing would be a good idea. I don’t know if it is the breathlessness of her voice or the high pitched whining, but I don’t think I’m alone when I say the song makes me feel just a little bit dirty. You can listen to it here (no you can’t. ed.)
3. Lauryn Eagle STOLE Lara Bingle’s hair cut
My god it’s been a slow news week. Apparently there is not much else happening, and so I ashamedly bring you this breaking news.
4. Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton accuses Prince George of gaining “an extra roll of fat” during his Australian tour.Â
At 8 months of age, Prince George has got a long battle with his weight ahead of him. The Duchess made the comments to 17-year-old Shannon Hunt while on tour in Uluru. Prince George was in Canberra at the time, unable to defend himself against such slanderous remarks.
Raise your hand if you have been personally victimised by Kate Middleton.