This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things...
As the festival season approaches I wanted to provide a self-help service, a kind of guide for â€˜oh please god, donâ€™t wear thatâ€™, or think of it as an interventionâ€¦
Every year, the outfits get smaller and smaller, and cover less and less private parts, and same goes for the females. As we hit July, and roll into festival season (regardless of the dropping temperature), General Pants and Universal stock up on nipple bearing, loosey-goosey singles for the men, and cut-offs (think Tobias FÃ¼nke) for the ladies. And somehow the word gets out that it is socially acceptable to wear cutoffs with a bodysuit, or thigh tight shorts, with singlets that barely resemble wellâ€¦. a singlet.
Now, let me be clear this isnâ€™t going to turn into your typical â€˜cover up lads and lasses, give emâ€™ something to work forâ€™ lecture. But all bad trends should come to an end.
As we hit the summer seasons, my Facebook feed is littered with photos from festivals and it always seems to be the unique combination of animal onesies (honestly, where are people getting them from? And how do so many people know about it?), and itsy-bitsy singlets, cutoffs and body suits.
In recent years, festivals have become a chance for people to show off how extremely outlandish their style is (that’s a cute poncho), not how hairless your chest and nipples are. Â And donâ€™t get me wrong, if youâ€™ve got the confidence to wear some of the ridiculously tiny costumes we see at festivals, power to you and all that. But ladies, canâ€™t you occasionally wear something unique, or Iâ€™d even settle for something that covers your side boob or bum cheeksâ€¦ I mean thatâ€™s like the laws of feminism.
Oh, and the guys. So you squeeze in your pre-festival workout before setting in for a mammoth morning of pres and recreational drug taking, only to spend the rest of the day pretending to love Aviciiâ€™s old stuff and fist pumping, while sporting the same singlet in different colours. Itâ€™s just unoriginal.
So next time youâ€™re going to a music festival, I want you to run through this check list:
- Would Tobias FÃ¼nke wear this in the shower?
- Can I go swimming in my festival wear?
- Does this singlet cover less than half my chest?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you should change into something more appropriate Â because after all, you’re at a music festival and not a beach or the privacy of your own bedroom.