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The Creative Issue – News for Creatives | August 4, 2020

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Um, excuse me Miranda?

Um, excuse me Miranda?

| On 04, Apr 2014

Can we just stop to talk about Miranda Kerr for a moment.

Let me get this out of the way before we begin – YES, CONGRATULATIONS to Miranda’s publicist who no doubt told her to get super sexual with her image because if it can work for Miley it can work for anyone, and so here we are discussing good old ‘Randa. If the Illuminati is reading this right now, well done, your evil plan is working.

So everyone has their arms in the air because in Miranda’s latest article with British GQ Magazine she gets butt naked, you see a bit of nipple and she talks about possibly being into women. Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, that’s what all the kids are doing these days. The reason I have gathered you here is because of three things Miranda said in the article that had me tilting my head to the side, squinting my eyes and hollering, “Um, excuse me Miranda?”

1. “One thing I’ve noticed is now that I’m having less sex my body isn’t as toned. The more sex I have, the more defined my arms and stomach get.” 

Um, excuse me Miranda? I don’t know what sort of crazy monkey sex you have been having, but for us normal folk (we prefer to be called ‘humans’) when we want to tone up we tend to go to the gym or eat a bunch of laxatives in the form of a tea detox. Honestly, what sort of activity are you doing with your arms during sexy time that would make them more – oh. Yeah that would do it.

2. “I still get chatted up a lot. I’ve had some crazy, ridiculous proposals – stuff that you wouldn’t even see in the movies.”

Um, excuse me Miranda? You mean to tell me that men actually hit on a stunning, size six, ex- Victoria Secret supermodel? That seems just a bit ridiculous to me. Oh, and they propose to you as well, do they? Please forgive me – I had trouble hearing you over my loud sobbing being echoed through my empty ice cream container. How rude of me, please continue.

3. “I’ve had an orgasm in the air before. Alone. And together”

Um, excuse me Miranda? Talking about aeroplanes is a little topical at the moment, don’t you think? An anonymous air hostess answered people’s questions about air travel on reddit recently. When asked, “are there as many people joining the mile high club in the bathroom as television portrays it?,” she replied:

“Yes people try to join the mile high club. Let me tell you something, those toilets are FILTHY. Absolute FILTH. People shit in the sinks.”

That’s right, you heard it here first: people shit in the sinks in the aeroplane bathrooms.

Out of interest I googled the consequences of getting caught having sex on an aeroplane, to which the first response read: “They can’t kick you off the plane – that would be murder, and opening the door would be dangerous for the whole plane.”

So looks like ‘Randa got away with her sexy air experience/s and now has bragging rights to the Mile High Club. Um, excuuuuse me, Miranda, but I’ll have you know that I am a member of an even more sought after club: The Mile High Sink Shitters Anonymous (MHSSA).

Where will Miranda’s new found sexual image take her? Only time will tell. Stay tuned.

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Photos: Mario Testino / British GQ